what a load of crap

i don't know whether i want to laugh or cry. these last few months have not been so great. but...shit happens. i have learned so much, and unfortunately, i have learned it the hard way. boys will be boys. they act like completely sincere gentlemen, and then they turn around and become the biggest asshole known on the face of the earth. (and yes, incase you're wondering, i'm talking about you baby.) i always say that i have no regrets, and i will continue to say so; but this has been the closest that i have ever come to saying, " i wish i could take that back." i do wish that i had been a bit smarter and cautious, a bit more slow and meaningful, just a bit more insightful to say the least. i now see that i deserve so much better than what i was allowing myself to have. i deserve to have a person that is going to care about me, despite my flaws. i deserve to have someone that isn't gong to judge me on my religious beliefs. speaking of religion, how hypocritical is it that someone would say to me, "well, one of the reasons i can't be with you is because we have different views on theology." SERIOUSLY?! that is one of the most unchristian things i have heard. you are going to sit there on your "i'm better than you" seat and tell me that what i believe isn't enough for you. wow. and people ask me why i don't want to refer to myself as a christian. well, there is the answer to your freaking question. because the christians i know, are some of the most un-jesus like people i have ever met. it is incredibly dissappointing. that's all for now. i'm sure i will have more to say later.

peace and love
AJ

words mean nothing

until they are backed up with action
that's all for now...

some things i learned in high school...

• i'm smarter than i let myself think i am
• i'm a people pleaser
• being a teenager sucks
• whoever said high school was tons of fun, lied
• everyone has a secret
• people change
• girls are petty
• boys are mean
• parents are usually right
• figuring out who you are is harder than you may think
• finding time for yourself -- forget about it
• i am much more content sitting at home with a book
• i consistently do the opposite of what my parents want
• it's okay to not know the answer to everything
• that even your parents lie -- even to you
• it's okay to admit you need help
• sometimes it's necessary to cry
• lying gets you no where
• you can be your biggest problem
• death blows a big one

nothing is innocent

""


we'd wake the dead

with voices in our head

we've gotten used to ignoring the truth

we close our eyes

and breathe and eat the lies

that tell us we're so much better than you


silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

all the king's men

will serve scrambled eggs again

when white-washed walls come crashing down

we'll blink and nod

and say, How odd

and wonder why old friends didn't come around

silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

the acid rain

we fear the pain

will blister and burn the skin



but what is more

the fear we bore

will eat us alive from within

silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

for you and me

in the land of the free

is anything innocent now?

peace and love

AJ

make the most

and in the morning when i rise
there is one question that shines in my eyes
like the sun

am i making the most of this life?

so much trouble, so much strife
and in the hour of my guilt,
through the minutes of my shame,
there is no one to blame but...


peace and love
AJ

i'm pretty sure

i'm going crazy

linford detweiler

do you need a woman,

she asks,

stepping into her dress.

do you need me?

i stare into my heart,
and wish it were true.
(what is wrong with me?)
i see only closed doors,
unknown rooms.


i say, i need a word
for all of this. one less
tired and pale
and pressed.

there are a few moments
of silence. she is
looking out the open window,
her fingers splayed on the ribs
of the cold radiator.

i say, here's the deal: i'm going
to get in the car and drive.
i'm sick of my own cruel
self-pity and chronic indecision.

i'm going out to find the rhythm
of the ocean.


if i wake up years from now
with you laying next to me,
let that be the answer
to your question.


. . .


peace and love
AJ