i need to

LEARN HOW TO TAKE MY OWN DAMN ADVICE

please don't leave me

I need to be honest. I miss you. I don't even know how to put into words the feelings I have rushing around inside of my body. I miss being with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss talking with you. I miss laying with you. I miss touching you. I miss kissing you. I miss you.

You know how when it rains, like it is right now, you can always imagine the sunshine? The time when the clouds are going to clear up, the skies turn blue, the grass dries, and every trace of gray is chased away -- I'm beginning to think that day may never come with you and I. And it's killing me inside.

I don't understand what else I have to say or do to prove my worth to you. And then I lay in bed at night, my thoughts in surround sound, and my mind is telling me, "Amanda, why do you have to prove yourself anymore? You've given all of yourself and if he doesn't see that, then he isn't worth the pain." And that's when the tears start to flow. Then my heart goes, "But I've fallen for him." And there goes my good night's rest.

I am 99.9% certain that you are not feeling the way I am. And so a part of me feels like a fourteen year-old child, being obssesed with a boy that isn't paying her any attention. But I never was that way, not even when I was fourteen. I have never been obssesed with a boy and I don't think that I started such a habit at eighteen.

I have always prided myself on being good with words. And here I sit, not knowing how to put verbs and adjectives to my emotions. I feel confused and disoriented. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel naive and foolish. And those words don't do any justice to my true feelings. I feel like they don't even scratch the surface.

Please help me out here baby. Please tell me what you want. Please just be straight-up and honest. That's all I ask of you. I'm not asking you to tell me what I want to hear. I'm asking you to help me. I'm asking you to put yourself in my shoes -- just for a moment. Imagine what we've gone through...but from my position. I think it speaks volumes that I'm still here, that I still want you back.

I want to be the one.

peace
AJ

everything is [not] broken

The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Telling me everything is [not] broken
Everything is fine

Nature rains on flames we make
Establishing the order of creation
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet

I will find the colors in my life
The places and time
Everything is fine

I put a map on my wall
To fight that lonely feeling
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet

I'm here on the road
I seem to have it all
Everything is fine

And I will remain outside on my own, into the light
The kind of clarity that only comes to me with Sunday's shine
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Everything is fine

the smoke still lingers

blurry edges and a distorted center.
disconnected from negativity.
sensual movement; falling into oblivion.
free from panic and fear.

through squinting eyes you see.
tangled arms and legs.
sweat rolling slowly of their bodies.
sheets thrown aside.
nakedness displayed to you.
your eyes lazily close.

sensual movement; falling into oblivion.
free from panic and fear.

through squinting eyes you see.
your nakedness displayed to him.
sheets thrown aside.
sweat rolling off your bodies.

crisp edges and a clear center.
connected to him.
willingly. forever. no matter.
awareness swells within.

your eyes lazily close.
tears tumble down.
the smoke still lingers.

peace and love
AJ

what a load of crap

i don't know whether i want to laugh or cry. these last few months have not been so great. but...shit happens. i have learned so much, and unfortunately, i have learned it the hard way. boys will be boys. they act like completely sincere gentlemen, and then they turn around and become the biggest asshole known on the face of the earth. (and yes, incase you're wondering, i'm talking about you baby.) i always say that i have no regrets, and i will continue to say so; but this has been the closest that i have ever come to saying, " i wish i could take that back." i do wish that i had been a bit smarter and cautious, a bit more slow and meaningful, just a bit more insightful to say the least. i now see that i deserve so much better than what i was allowing myself to have. i deserve to have a person that is going to care about me, despite my flaws. i deserve to have someone that isn't gong to judge me on my religious beliefs. speaking of religion, how hypocritical is it that someone would say to me, "well, one of the reasons i can't be with you is because we have different views on theology." SERIOUSLY?! that is one of the most unchristian things i have heard. you are going to sit there on your "i'm better than you" seat and tell me that what i believe isn't enough for you. wow. and people ask me why i don't want to refer to myself as a christian. well, there is the answer to your freaking question. because the christians i know, are some of the most un-jesus like people i have ever met. it is incredibly dissappointing. that's all for now. i'm sure i will have more to say later.

peace and love
AJ

words mean nothing

until they are backed up with action
that's all for now...

some things i learned in high school...

• i'm smarter than i let myself think i am
• i'm a people pleaser
• being a teenager sucks
• whoever said high school was tons of fun, lied
• everyone has a secret
• people change
• girls are petty
• boys are mean
• parents are usually right
• figuring out who you are is harder than you may think
• finding time for yourself -- forget about it
• i am much more content sitting at home with a book
• i consistently do the opposite of what my parents want
• it's okay to not know the answer to everything
• that even your parents lie -- even to you
• it's okay to admit you need help
• sometimes it's necessary to cry
• lying gets you no where
• you can be your biggest problem
• death blows a big one

nothing is innocent

""


we'd wake the dead

with voices in our head

we've gotten used to ignoring the truth

we close our eyes

and breathe and eat the lies

that tell us we're so much better than you


silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

all the king's men

will serve scrambled eggs again

when white-washed walls come crashing down

we'll blink and nod

and say, How odd

and wonder why old friends didn't come around

silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

the acid rain

we fear the pain

will blister and burn the skin



but what is more

the fear we bore

will eat us alive from within

silence is loud

humility is so proud

nothing is innocent now

for you and me

in the land of the free

is anything innocent now?

peace and love

AJ

make the most

and in the morning when i rise
there is one question that shines in my eyes
like the sun

am i making the most of this life?

so much trouble, so much strife
and in the hour of my guilt,
through the minutes of my shame,
there is no one to blame but...


peace and love
AJ

i'm pretty sure

i'm going crazy

linford detweiler

do you need a woman,

she asks,

stepping into her dress.

do you need me?

i stare into my heart,
and wish it were true.
(what is wrong with me?)
i see only closed doors,
unknown rooms.


i say, i need a word
for all of this. one less
tired and pale
and pressed.

there are a few moments
of silence. she is
looking out the open window,
her fingers splayed on the ribs
of the cold radiator.

i say, here's the deal: i'm going
to get in the car and drive.
i'm sick of my own cruel
self-pity and chronic indecision.

i'm going out to find the rhythm
of the ocean.


if i wake up years from now
with you laying next to me,
let that be the answer
to your question.


. . .


peace and love
AJ

i'm looking

for love in all the wrong places.

[christopher jak]

naked and tired from the night that's gone by
she kisses your eyes and you wake
then morning has brought you something as old and as new
as the breath that you take

the world's spinning 'round you in circles
your feet feel like lead
and the weight makes you loosen your grip
and from the shoulders of giants you slip
and the ground is so hard and their voices so far
that you can't hear what they say

tending the truth is something new
you weep without a tear in your eye
an endless repetition of the weightless words
give strength to a timeless lie

the world's spinning 'round you in circles
your feet feel like lead
and the weight makes you loosen your grip
and from the shoulders of giants you slip
and the ground is so hard and their voices so far
that you can't hear what they say

this means everything to you
wait to see if it's true
that life is born to new seamless memories
or is it all the same?

standing still as a child who's been lost in a crowd of strangers
loud and dangerous
everytime you close your eyes, your mind is screaming 'oh please help me'
all you want now is so much more than you've got, you want everything

but everything is right in front of you if you just open your eyes again
death be knocking on passion's door
that's where it all begins
all begins right here, at the end

the world's spinning 'round you in circles
your feet feel like lead
and the weight makes you loosen your grip
and from the shoulders of giants you slip
and the ground is so hard and their voices so far
that you can't hear what they say

this means everything to you
wait to see if it's true
that life is born to new seamless memories
or is it all the same?

peace and love
AJ

we're all mad here

alice girl:

if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. everything would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. and contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. and what it wouldn't be, it would. you see?

[think about that one.]

peace and love
AJ

only the good die young

Eighty-five percent of us are fucked.

People continue to smile,

But smiles and prayers aren't gonna change reality.

You may call me bitter, cynical, jaded...

But I raise my glass to you,

With this dripping from my lips:

Belonging is not something I have ever concerned myself with

And is not something I give two shits about.

I toss my head back,

Down my drink,

Somehow knowing

I would meet my end this way.

peace and love

AJ

always and forever

here's a thought...

physics tells us that everything on this planet will fail us eventually. trust someone, fall in love: your scars will tell the same story. entropy, pain, beauty, love, hope...mix them together and call it living. the choice that remains is where we go to find meaning and truth. the biggest failures and disappointments in my life have led me to look beyond what money or power or friends can buy. when you're face down at the very bottom of who you are, and there is no formality or pretence to cling to, all your masks fall off. in this broken place, our lives can be seen for what they are, no more, no less; we are ourselves. the question is this: what happens after the twin towers in our lives fall? do we become bitter and hateful or does redemption come into focus. i've been on both sides...only one is beautiful...

peace and love
AJ

just some lovin'

ole LC:

Suzanne takes you down
to her place near the river
you can hear the boats go by
you can spend the night beside her
And you know she’s half crazy
and she feeds you tea and oranges
that come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
that you have no love to give her
then she gets you on her wavelength
and she lets the river answer
that you’ve always been her lover

Now Suzanne takes your hand
and she leads you to the river
she is wearing rags and feathers
from Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
on our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
among the garbage and flowers

And Jesus was a sailor
when he walked upon the water
and he spent a long time watching
from his lonely wooden tower
and when he knew for certain
only drowning men could see him
he said, "All men will be sailors then
until the sea shall free them"
but he himself was broken
long before the sky would open
forsaken, almost human
he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

And you want to travel with her
and you want to travel blind
and you know that she will trust you
for you’ve touched her perfect body
with your mind

And you want to travel blind
you know that you can trust her
for she’s touched your perfect body
with her mind...