insomnia

1:43 am . no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't fall asleep. then it hit me. i have to write. i forgot what that felt like. to have the sudden desire to sit down and put words together. to form a sentence. to construct a picture with verbs and adjectives. i love it. i am a little disappointed that this revelation hit me this early in the morning...especially when i have a class in seven hours. the life of a college student i assume.

today i had a conversation with my roomie. a conversation that surprised me. we talked about things that i don't talk about with hardly anyone. i told her some personal things that i rarely share with people. some of my inner thoughts. though it didn't last long, though it wasn't overly detailed -- i felt strangely good afterwards. i felt like i had released something that was eating me up inside. and i think i need to continue to have these kind of conversations with people.

college life is beginning to become a rountine for me. and i don't know how i feel about that. i think i don't like it. acutally, i think i strongly dislike it. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it yet, but knowing me, i'll come up with something.

i think i'm going to try something new. i think i'm going to try and post something on here everyday. i'm going to stretch myself. i have no idea how i'm going to make this work, but damnit, i'm gonna do it. today is offcially Wednesday, February 3, 2010 -- so my next post will be on Thursday, February 4, 2010. i can do this. i am making a commitment to myself. i need to start writing again, at least for myself.

and now i apologize for talking about things that don't relate to one another in the slightest bit. it's early in the morning and my brain just isn't functioning properly. it will be better tomorrow. promise.

peace and love
aj

friends, lovers, or nothing

i'm beginning to find my place here. this place where the temperature hardly ever rises out of the teens. where blue skies are scarce. where train whistles blow every hour. where my heart is starting to be at peace.

goshen. this isn't pennsylvania. but this is starting to become home. i'm cultivating relationships; they're in their beginning stages but i have hope. this monumental belief, that this will all get better in time. i can only keep putting one foot in front of the other. i can only take this one day at a time. i can only pray that this all turns out in the end.

yeah, i may have made some mistakes in my first few weeks here, but i've also made some of the best choices. i have met amazing people. i have met people that are like me in every way. funny. loyal. loud. a little weird. a lot crazy. honest. adventerous. i've also met people that i aspire to be. people that i look at and go, "wow, i wish that i could be like that."

i feel blessed to be here. though i have days where i wake up and think about how much i would rather just curl up in a hole and never wake up -- i take a breath and think, "well amanda, this is life. suck it up and get over it." and so it goes. i'm here long-term. i'm not going to quit this time around. i'm stronger this time. i may not be wiser, but i have the ability to stand on my own two feet. i can do this. and it feels damn good. i feel liberated.

to all those that doubt me -- watch me prove you wrong.
to all those that say i can't -- don't hold your breath.
to all those that try to bring me down -- bitch, step aside.

i can't wait.

peace and love
aj

open your soul

here we go again.
the feeling of suffocation taking over.
fighting to keep your head above water.
all the while striving to keep a smile on your face.
tell the world that everything is okay.

those days are over.
starting now.

this is the start of my life.
the life i have wanted for myself since i was a little girl.
this is the beginning.
a begining with no blemishes.
no mistakes.

these days are now.
starting yesterday.

i carry my head high.
i am a new person.
the old me is dead and gone.
because now i see,
i'll never stop this train.