insomnia

1:43 am . no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't fall asleep. then it hit me. i have to write. i forgot what that felt like. to have the sudden desire to sit down and put words together. to form a sentence. to construct a picture with verbs and adjectives. i love it. i am a little disappointed that this revelation hit me this early in the morning...especially when i have a class in seven hours. the life of a college student i assume.

today i had a conversation with my roomie. a conversation that surprised me. we talked about things that i don't talk about with hardly anyone. i told her some personal things that i rarely share with people. some of my inner thoughts. though it didn't last long, though it wasn't overly detailed -- i felt strangely good afterwards. i felt like i had released something that was eating me up inside. and i think i need to continue to have these kind of conversations with people.

college life is beginning to become a rountine for me. and i don't know how i feel about that. i think i don't like it. acutally, i think i strongly dislike it. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it yet, but knowing me, i'll come up with something.

i think i'm going to try something new. i think i'm going to try and post something on here everyday. i'm going to stretch myself. i have no idea how i'm going to make this work, but damnit, i'm gonna do it. today is offcially Wednesday, February 3, 2010 -- so my next post will be on Thursday, February 4, 2010. i can do this. i am making a commitment to myself. i need to start writing again, at least for myself.

and now i apologize for talking about things that don't relate to one another in the slightest bit. it's early in the morning and my brain just isn't functioning properly. it will be better tomorrow. promise.

peace and love
aj

friends, lovers, or nothing

i'm beginning to find my place here. this place where the temperature hardly ever rises out of the teens. where blue skies are scarce. where train whistles blow every hour. where my heart is starting to be at peace.

goshen. this isn't pennsylvania. but this is starting to become home. i'm cultivating relationships; they're in their beginning stages but i have hope. this monumental belief, that this will all get better in time. i can only keep putting one foot in front of the other. i can only take this one day at a time. i can only pray that this all turns out in the end.

yeah, i may have made some mistakes in my first few weeks here, but i've also made some of the best choices. i have met amazing people. i have met people that are like me in every way. funny. loyal. loud. a little weird. a lot crazy. honest. adventerous. i've also met people that i aspire to be. people that i look at and go, "wow, i wish that i could be like that."

i feel blessed to be here. though i have days where i wake up and think about how much i would rather just curl up in a hole and never wake up -- i take a breath and think, "well amanda, this is life. suck it up and get over it." and so it goes. i'm here long-term. i'm not going to quit this time around. i'm stronger this time. i may not be wiser, but i have the ability to stand on my own two feet. i can do this. and it feels damn good. i feel liberated.

to all those that doubt me -- watch me prove you wrong.
to all those that say i can't -- don't hold your breath.
to all those that try to bring me down -- bitch, step aside.

i can't wait.

peace and love
aj

open your soul

here we go again.
the feeling of suffocation taking over.
fighting to keep your head above water.
all the while striving to keep a smile on your face.
tell the world that everything is okay.

those days are over.
starting now.

this is the start of my life.
the life i have wanted for myself since i was a little girl.
this is the beginning.
a begining with no blemishes.
no mistakes.

these days are now.
starting yesterday.

i carry my head high.
i am a new person.
the old me is dead and gone.
because now i see,
i'll never stop this train.

i need to

LEARN HOW TO TAKE MY OWN DAMN ADVICE

please don't leave me

I need to be honest. I miss you. I don't even know how to put into words the feelings I have rushing around inside of my body. I miss being with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss talking with you. I miss laying with you. I miss touching you. I miss kissing you. I miss you.

You know how when it rains, like it is right now, you can always imagine the sunshine? The time when the clouds are going to clear up, the skies turn blue, the grass dries, and every trace of gray is chased away -- I'm beginning to think that day may never come with you and I. And it's killing me inside.

I don't understand what else I have to say or do to prove my worth to you. And then I lay in bed at night, my thoughts in surround sound, and my mind is telling me, "Amanda, why do you have to prove yourself anymore? You've given all of yourself and if he doesn't see that, then he isn't worth the pain." And that's when the tears start to flow. Then my heart goes, "But I've fallen for him." And there goes my good night's rest.

I am 99.9% certain that you are not feeling the way I am. And so a part of me feels like a fourteen year-old child, being obssesed with a boy that isn't paying her any attention. But I never was that way, not even when I was fourteen. I have never been obssesed with a boy and I don't think that I started such a habit at eighteen.

I have always prided myself on being good with words. And here I sit, not knowing how to put verbs and adjectives to my emotions. I feel confused and disoriented. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel naive and foolish. And those words don't do any justice to my true feelings. I feel like they don't even scratch the surface.

Please help me out here baby. Please tell me what you want. Please just be straight-up and honest. That's all I ask of you. I'm not asking you to tell me what I want to hear. I'm asking you to help me. I'm asking you to put yourself in my shoes -- just for a moment. Imagine what we've gone through...but from my position. I think it speaks volumes that I'm still here, that I still want you back.

I want to be the one.

peace
AJ

everything is [not] broken

The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Telling me everything is [not] broken
Everything is fine

Nature rains on flames we make
Establishing the order of creation
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet

I will find the colors in my life
The places and time
Everything is fine

I put a map on my wall
To fight that lonely feeling
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet

I'm here on the road
I seem to have it all
Everything is fine

And I will remain outside on my own, into the light
The kind of clarity that only comes to me with Sunday's shine
The autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Everything is fine

the smoke still lingers

blurry edges and a distorted center.
disconnected from negativity.
sensual movement; falling into oblivion.
free from panic and fear.

through squinting eyes you see.
tangled arms and legs.
sweat rolling slowly of their bodies.
sheets thrown aside.
nakedness displayed to you.
your eyes lazily close.

sensual movement; falling into oblivion.
free from panic and fear.

through squinting eyes you see.
your nakedness displayed to him.
sheets thrown aside.
sweat rolling off your bodies.

crisp edges and a clear center.
connected to him.
willingly. forever. no matter.
awareness swells within.

your eyes lazily close.
tears tumble down.
the smoke still lingers.

peace and love
AJ